I have to admit I'm really struggling with being on my own. I knew that my friends were incredibly important to me, but now I realise how much I depend on them as a kind of buffer zone or distraction from the contents of my head. I wonder as well if chronic fatigue is an issue, because even though I have not smoked marijuana for a month now I often find myself unable to motivate myself. I really hoped that I would study composition, work out and maybe read some philosophy while on my trip. However most of the time I simply need to rest.
I am so thoroughly determined to not waste my life; more than ever I feel that I must make a success of something in my life. Whether it is to be as a DJ, running a bar, being a politician, journalism or continuing to run events professionally I am not content with simply more coasting and unnaturally extended adolescence. But yet I find it so hard to turn these desires into focused, continual effort. And I am not so naive as to believe greatness, or even a measure of success will come without putting in thousands of hours of work. Which is so, so hard for me.
Someone here told me I should think about seeing a psychiatrist - that my depression was a result of putting too much pressure on myself. I wonder - but I don't think you get anywhere in life without being determined to be better at something than 99.9% of everyone else in the same field. And I guess I still believe I deserve to be a superstar.
I don't know if this confessional will cheer you up. Writing some of my thoughts down helps me to process and order the chaos in my head. Another issue is that I miss my ex-girlfriend more than ever. That experience changed my life forever, made me an adult (a bit more of one, at any rate). However clichéd it is to write this, she showed me what love was. Whatever genetic function love fulfils it is undoubtedly a very real part of being a human being - yes, some things have yet to be explained by science. Still, I feel that the kind of happiness, stability and love I know I deserve, and the family I will one day have, will only come from continually refining and improving the package that is Robin Eden.
Tears are actually running down my face as I sit in a public place writing this. Maybe they are necessary too.
Don't worry about me too much. I'm safe, and I haven't done anything too stupid. I will persevere and ultimately win whatever crazy game I am playing (I think it's called being a human being).
I wrote this as a letter to my father.
Voodoo out. but not for the count!