Wednesday, 3 March 2010

A Rambling Confession

I have to admit I'm really struggling with being on my own. I knew that my friends were incredibly important to me, but now I realise how much I depend on them as a kind of buffer zone or distraction from the contents of my head. I wonder as well if chronic fatigue is an issue, because even though I have not smoked marijuana for a month now I often find myself unable to motivate myself. I really hoped that I would study composition, work out and maybe read some philosophy while on my trip. However most of the time I simply need to rest.

I am so thoroughly determined to not waste my life; more than ever I feel that I must make a success of something in my life. Whether it is to be as a DJ, running a bar, being a politician, journalism or continuing to run events professionally I am not content with simply more coasting and unnaturally extended adolescence. But yet I find it so hard to turn these desires into focused, continual effort. And I am not so naive as to believe greatness, or even a measure of success will come without putting in thousands of hours of work. Which is so, so hard for me.

Someone here told me I should think about seeing a psychiatrist - that my depression was a result of putting too much pressure on myself. I wonder - but I don't think you get anywhere in life without being determined to be better at something than 99.9% of everyone else in the same field. And I guess I still believe I deserve to be a superstar.

I don't know if this confessional will cheer you up. Writing some of my thoughts down helps me to process and order the chaos in my head. Another issue is that I miss my ex-girlfriend more than ever. That experience changed my life forever, made me an adult (a bit more of one, at any rate). However clich├ęd it is to write this, she showed me what love was. Whatever genetic function love fulfils it is undoubtedly a very real part of being a human being - yes, some things have yet to be explained by science. Still, I feel that the kind of happiness, stability and love I know I deserve, and the family I will one day have, will only come from continually refining and improving the package that is Robin Eden.

Tears are actually running down my face as I sit in a public place writing this. Maybe they are necessary too.

Don't worry about me too much. I'm safe, and I haven't done anything too stupid. I will persevere and ultimately win whatever crazy game I am playing (I think it's called being a human being).

I wrote this as a letter to my father.

Voodoo out. but not for the count!

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